We love our movie stars in this country don’t we? We spend a good portion of our day at work talking about them and then we go home and watch the news so we can hear about all the crazy shit they’ve been up to. We dedicate entire magazines to them, we argue with each other about why it was okay for Brad to leave Jen, we change the channel when an actual news story comes up and we say that we’re pretty sure that Natalie Portman did all of her dancing in Black Swan and certainly deserves that Oscar. We obsess over these people like they’re our own family. A little twisted, don’t you think? These people aren’t important and they’re all ludicrously overpaid. Of course, it’s fun to root for an actor and to get excited about what they’ll do next, but these people are not our family, friends, or even distant acquaintances. They don’t give a fuck about us and why should they? They’ve got enough money to last several lifetimes; they don’t need us cheering them on. If anything, we need to put these people down much more often. So, here are 20 movie stars who I detest and would love to see suffer a miserable death.
20. Sam Worthington
Is it just me or did this guy become a superstar for doing absolutely nothing? I mean, how hard is it to walk around a warehouse for a year or so with a bunch of equipment on your head while spouting a bunch of nonsense about the Navi? Well, probably pretty hard actually, but I don’t give a fuck. Worthington has no charisma, no energy, no sense of humor and he is the most bland, generic looking actor I have ever seen. He looks like he was made in a laboratory by a group of scientists trying to make the most average looking human being possible. And why the hell can’t the man change his goddamn hairstyle? He was walking around with a crew cut in Ancient Greece for Christ’s sake! Kirk Douglas didn’t even look that ridiculous in Spartacus! He also never seems to be aware that he’s sharing the screen with other people. Watch him carefully (if you can summon up the nerve to sit through Avatar, Clash, or Terminator again) and you’ll see how he never looks anybody in the eye and doesn’t listen to a word anyone says. He just stares off into space, waits for his cue and then shouts or whispers whatever line he has. That’s the other thing; his extremely limited acting ability will only allow him to either yell or whisper his dialogue with fierce intensity. There’s no middle ground whatsoever. I’d hate to have a conversation with the man in daily life.
19. Katherine Heigl
It seems kinda pointless for me to complain about Katherine Heigl because, honestly, who actually likes her besides twelve-year-old girls and horny frat boys? She’s just such a non-entity. I can’t even point out why I think she is a lousy actor because I always forget that I’ve seen her in a movie. The chair she’s sitting in has more presence onscreen that she does. And all she does is make the same movie over and over and over again. Romantic comedies used to be great, but thanks to Katherine Heigl and several people who will be mentioned later in this list, they have become soul-sucking carbon copies of each other. I’d love to get all the press releases for each of her films and compare them to see how many times her character is described as a ‘self-sufficient, savvy businesswoman who discovers how to enjoy life when she meets a dirty slob who might just be the man of her dreams’. There is never any differentiation between any of her characters. Never. Finally, and just to be especially nasty, she’s really, really, really, really, really, fucking ugly.
18. Ryan Reynolds
Hey everybody, look it’s Ryan Reynolds! Heyyy! The man who looks so smug that you’ll want to rip his face off every time he says ‘Heyyy’ or ‘Come on’, each of which must be inserted at a minimum of fifty times into every script the halfwit chooses to star in. This prick is like the asshole from High School who thought that the funniest thing in the world was to turn his desk around before the teacher walked in. You remember right? He snickers like a deranged hyena, turns the desk around, laughs and laughs in your face and says, ‘See? I’m just crazy, can’t help it! HA HA HA’, then the teacher walks in and he says something like, ‘Whoa, Who turned the room around?’ Then everybody stares at him like he’s a moron and he just keeps laughing away. After class, he walks out into the hallway and tells everybody he sees about the whacky, amazing stunt he just pulled. Everybody pretends to laugh just so he’ll get the fuck out of their faces. And guess what? The next day, he does it again. Only this time, when the teacher walks in, he changes the line to, ‘Whoa! Is it upside down day again?’ This continues in a viscous cycle for many, many years. Attention everyone, we need to stop pretending to laugh at Ryan Reynolds. I know it’s easy to laugh at him and it doesn’t hurt anybody, but the man is going to keep turning his goddamn desk around until he realizes that the only reason we’re laughing at him is so he’ll shut his stupid, fucking mouth.
17. Ellen Page
I don’t get what the obsession is with this midget. Prominent critics like Roger Ebert have hailed her as the greatest actress of her generation and I am at a complete loss as to why. Perhaps if we take a closer look at her career we can get to the bottom of this. So, let’s see: she started off well enough with Hard Candy where she played a precocious, smug, sassy young girl a million times more resourceful than her age would suggest. Next, she hit it big with Juno where she played a precocious, smug, sassy young girl a million times more resourceful than her age would suggest. She followed up that with Smart People where she played a precocious, smug, sassy young girl a million times more resourceful than her age would suggest. Hmm. I think I’m getting to the heart of the problem here. But you know what? I gotta give credit where credit is due. After all, she really switched things up with Inception. You see, in that film she played…um…wait a minute…a precocious, smug, sassy young girl a million times more resourceful than her age would suggest. Shit.
16-14. The Entire Cast of Twilight
I should clarify something here. When I say ‘the entire cast of Twilight’, I don’t just mean Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Shark Boy. Not at all. They are certainly the worst of the bunch, but I would like to see everyone who has ever been in a Twilight film die a slow, painful death. Everyone from Dakota Fanning to Michael Sheen to Bryce Dallas Howard to Billy Burke to Anna Kendrick. Fuck 'em all. Some of the above people are actually talented and are doing nothing for their careers by appearing in in the gayest, most sissified movie franchise of all time. Sure, they get some street cred with twelve-year-old girls but does a classically trained actor like Michael Sheen really need to do that? No. So why do it? The answer is obvious: paycheck. They all deserve to be punished. As for the three leads, you know the drill; Pattinson lets his forehead do the acting, Stewart is clearly addicted to Quaaludes and Shark Boy is…well…Shark Boy. And another thing about Twilight: if you are over the age of twelve and enjoy reading the books or watching the movies, please do the world a favor and kill yourself. There is no reason, absolutely none, for anyone over the age of twelve to like Twilight. I actually think the books and films are perfectly acceptable for young kids because they at least get them interested in reading. The rest of you have no excuse. And don’t think you can defend yourself by saying, ‘Well, lots of adults read Harry Potter’. Are you fucking kidding? Harry Potter is clever, well written, and engaging, while Twilight is stilted, obvious and incompetent. You wanna read a trashy romance novel? That’s fine, but for the love of sweet chocolate Christ, pick one that’s for adults. I love horror novels, but stopped reading Goosebumps a long time ago.
13. Julia Roberts
I suppose this is a bit redundant because Julia Roberts does not have the star power or the box office draw that she once did, but she still manages to stink up every film she’s in. I have never understood what people see in her and also think that Pretty Woman is an excellent candidate for the worst film ever made. Of all the people on this list, no one is more predictable than Roberts. She is exactly the same in every role, right down to her movements and vocal inflections. The only thing she will occasionally do to switch things up is add a terrible interpretation of a southern accent (Charlie Wilson’s War). And that’s not the worst of it. She has so little energy and charisma that she sucks the life force from the actors that surround her. She’s like a gaping black hole that performers and filmmakers are powerless to avoid. You want proof? Take a look at her scenes with Clive Owen in Closer and watch how that man struggles to keep himself afloat.
12.Vin Diesel
Here are the reasons why Vin Diesel needs to be dropped off a short pier: The Fast and the Furious, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Pacifier, Find Me Guilty, Babylon A.D., A Man Apart, Fast and Furious, and the upcoming Fast Five. There is nothing that I can say to better illustrate my point. The proof is in the pudding folks.
11. Scarlet Johansson
I think Scarlet Johansson is actually dead already. I know that might sound crazy, but how else can you account for that pale, lifeless corpse that delivers its dialogue in a voice that sounds a lot like the zombies from Return of the Living Dead? See, I think she died shortly after wrapping Lost In Translation and Hollywood, in no mood to lose a rising young star, simply decided to keep her corpse on ice. They’ll put her in a movie from time to time by having a few prop guys carry her around and mimic her voice. They probably have some kind of device lodged in her throat that makes her lips move with the push of a button. And if she needs to do fight scenes, they just place wires all over her body and the effects guys move her limbs accordingly. Are you with me on this? No?! Well fuckin A, you explain it to me then! Explain to me how someone so young can look so unbelievably lifeless and sound so bored whenever she’s on screen. If my Weekend at Bernie’s theory is wrong, then what’s the rational explanation? Go ahead; feel free to fill me in, I’m all ears.
10. Johnny Depp
It truly pains me to have to put this man on this list, but it needed to be done. It used to be that when Johnny Depp was in a movie, I would rush to the theater as soon as possible. Nowadays, I cower in fear. What the hell happened? I’ll tell you what: Jack Fucking Sparrow. The first Pirates movie was great fun, but the sequels were mind-numbing dreck and I’m sure the fourth film will be even worse. Sparrow is an annoying lead character and his silly antics wear thin at about the half hour mark. Depp’s other films since being Sparrowfied haven’t been much better. His imitation of Michael Jackson in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was terrifying and I have no idea what he thought he was doing in Alice in Wonderland. That terrible Scottish accent? What the fuck was that? Much like his favorite director, Tim Burton, Depp has become a mockery of the genius he once was. How sad is it that the man who portrayed Ed Wood, Edward Scissorhands, Donnie Brasco, Ichabod Crane, Gilbert Grape, George Jung, and Hunter S. Thompson will mostly be remembered for playing a gay pirate?
9. Zooey Deschanel
This Vegan bitch drives me fucking insane. It’s not even that I think she’s a terrible actress (she’s alright but certainly nothing special) it’s just that…I don’t know…I wanna punch her in the face!! She’s so damn smug! Have you heard her band? She and Him? Doesn’t that stupid name make you wanna go apeshit? And if you haven’t heard her sing, there’s no need to fret. Just go outside your house, trap a raccoon in a cage and give it electric shocks for five minutes or so. You’ll get the idea. As for her movie roles, she’s one of those people who adds nothing and takes nothing away from a film. She’s always just there taking up space. Hollywood could put a cardboard cutout of her on-screen and I wouldn’t know the difference.
8. Russell Brand
If I wanna punch Zooey Deschanel in the face, then I wanna take Russell Brand into a dark hallway, hit him over the head with a two by four about a hundred times and then rip his vocal chords out of his throat with my bare hands so I never, ever have to hear his piercing voice again. God, it’s like nails on a chalkboard isn’t it? How can people listen to him for more than five minutes without wanting to drive spikes through their ears? The only good thing about this fop is that he proves that anybody and I mean anybody can be famous. If I didn’t know Brand was a movie star and saw him on the street, I’d think he was a psychotic homeless man. Why, oh why, is this man so popular? I don’t get it. He’s loud, obnoxious, and so over the top that he makes Sacha Baron Cohen look subtle! And yet people are fawning all over the man like he’s the second coming of Jesus Christ! Come on people! I can’t be the only person who wants to poke this guy’s eyes out with a spoon.
7. Jennifer Aniston
Do you really need me to explain myself on this one? It’s almost the exact same problem as Katherine Heigl. I could practically take that paragraph up above, swap the names and be done with it. The only difference between the two (and why Aniston is much higher on this list) is that Aniston has been making the same shitty romantic comedy for over a decade now. Heigl’s only been at it for about half that time. When is Anniston going to learn that no one can stand her anymore? Her last two movies, The Bounty Hunter and Just Go With It were tremendous box office bombs and yet, according to IMDB, she’s got two more movies lined up that sound exactly the same! What gives? At this point, I’d say it would be wise for her to star in a remake of her best movie, Leprechaun, rather that anymore shitty rom-coms where she plays the exact same bland, uninteresting character. If the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing and expecting different results, then Jennifer Aniston is one of the craziest people on the planet.
6. Vince Vaughn
Here’s another guy who used to be a good actor, but then became a complete waste of space. I greatly preferred Vince Vaughn as a dramatic actor with good roles in films like Return to Paradise and the criminally underrated The Cell. But then, Old School came around and the man found his niche. It’s been downhill ever since with him grating on me more and more with each successive performance. I don’t get why people find him so funny. I suppose the idea is that he’s supposed to represent the everyman, but that must mean that he thinks the ‘everyman’ is a smug, self-aggrandizing, asswipe who fires off obnoxious quips like nobody’s business. Also, more than any other man on this list, he always plays the exact same guy. At least, Johnny Depp tries to switch things up. Vaughn’s as bad as Anniston and Roberts in that regard, right down to his movements and vocal inflections. I had to make sure to put him between Anniston and Reese Witherspoon because two of his worst offenses (Four Christmases and The Break Up) featured him playing off those two horrendous actresses.
5. Reese Witherspoon
I have never, ever liked Reese Witherspoon. Even back when she did cool movies like Freeway and Election, I still found her annoying. Part of the problem is that she reminds me way too much of her character from Election, Tracy Flick. Just like Flick, Witherspoon comes off like a cloying, narcissistic over achiever who will do anything to win the approval of a crowd. She also comes off like such a snob, so full of herself that there’s no room for anything else. Kevin Smith thinks so too and gave her the moniker, ‘Greasy Reese(y) Witherspoon’. Why did he do this? Well, apparently a few years ago, Kevin Smith and his then girlfriend Joey Lauren Adams ran into Reese at a party. Reese and Joey had been in competition for the same part in a film and Reese, of course, got it. I‘ll let Smith tell you the rest in his own words:
“So it’s a year later. We’ve shot Amy but it hasn’t come out yet. Joey and I have seen an early cut of Overnight Delivery, and she wants to say something nice about Reese’s performance to Reese — a real stand-up gesture that you’d never catch me making, were I in her shoes. We jockey up to Reese (me, quite unwillingly), and Joey tells her that she’s seen the flick, and she thinks Reese was really good, adding she’s glad Reese got the part when all was said and done. And how does Reese react?
She sneers at Joey. Then turns away.
Children, I wouldn’t say it unless I’d witnessed it with my own two eyes. Greasy Reese Witherspoon sneered at the compliment like the third grade girl with the most Valentines sneers at the third grade girl with the second most Valentines after all the Valentines have been given out, just prior to the distribution of the holiday cupcakes. It was an ugly, ugly moment. There was no offer of even an insincere, Hollywood-type “Thanks.” Merely a sneer.”
What a grade A, first class Biotch! That’s just fucking mean! I know this is typical Hollywood gossip, but reading this makes me even happier that Reese’s last movie (How Do You Know) was one of the biggest flops of the year. Seems like her fifteen minutes are almost up.
4. Kevin James
Fuck this fat man. Fuck him in his big, fat hairy ass. I am so sick and tired of people defending this turd by saying things like, ‘Awww! He’s so cute’. Ok, Let me clear this up for you: Kevin James is not cute. He is not funny either, nor is he talented or engaging. He is a fat, untalented, ugly oaf who never deserves to even be mentioned with the likes of John Candy or John Belushi. Hell, you know what? This mother fucker shouldn’t even be mentioned with Horatio Sanz. His sitcom The King of Queens was all ‘sit’ and no ‘com’. It was about stupid, spiteful people being stupid and spiteful towards each other. No wonder he and Ray Romano are friends. And no, he was not funny in Hitch. Apparently, all a fat guy has to do is dance like a retarded monkey and America will declare him a comedy genius. John Candy and John Belushi were funny because they created characters that would have been funny even if they weren’t fat guys. Their characters were original, sharp and clever comic creations. The weight was just an added bonus. Those guys were all about their characters. Kevin James is all about being fat. That’s it. That’s all he’s got. He’s a fat guy who falls on his face. End of story.
3. Kate Hudson
Two words: Bride Wars. That’s it. Not enough for ya? Alright fine: Fool’s Gold, How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Raising Helen, The Skeleton Key, You, Me, And Dupree, Alex and Emma, Nine, and My Best Friend’s Girl. There, that should settle it. You know what else? She wasn’t even that good in Almost Famous. Any competent actress could have handled that part. The movie is great in spite of her. And even if she were good in Almost Famous or any other movie, it wouldn’t matter because everything good she ever did would be completely negated by Bride Wars.
2. Russell Crowe
This man is a God. Or, at least, he’s convinced himself that he is. Just like Greasy Reese(y), he’s an actor who appears to have an ego the size of China. Did any of you sit through that atrocious pile of steaming horseshit that had the nerve to call itself Robin Hood? You know why it was so awful? Because Crowe’s gargantuan ego called for a lot of script changes. The movie was originally about the Sheriff of Nottingham and was aptly titled Nottingham. Then Crowe and Ridley Scott came on-board and the whole fucking thing changed. Crowe just had to play the hero and needed to star in a more traditional (i.e. boring) epic. Even Ridley Scott, a director who has worked with the ass five times, reportedly got fed up with his bullshit on set. And if I was a Hollywood producer and Crowe was demanding script changes so he could play the hero, I’d at least demand that he lose some weight. He looked as fat as Kevin James in that movie! Not to mention the fact that he is about twenty years too old to play Robin Hood. But why would anything like that matter to a God? Gods can do whatever the fuck they want! They don’t have to listen to the warblings of the common folk! I expect he’ll try to reboot The Goonies next. He’ll change the story so it’s about one kid instead of several and he’ll play the lead role. Oh, and he won’t shave or lose weight either. I’m sure he thinks it’s a brilliant idea.
1. Dane Cook
Folks, this man needs to be stopped. I wouldn’t consider him to be a bonafide movie star yet, but he is well on his way and we cannot allow that to happen. Let’s start with his stand-up: in short, it’s awful. He’s the equivalent of a drunken frat boy telling jokes you’ve heard a million times before. There’s nothing interesting, original or amusing about him. I think I can reasonably assume that anyone who thinks he is funny has never seen a stand-up routine before and therefore do not know any better. His movies are even worse and he’s starting to try to break into serious roles!! No!!! NO!!!!!!!! And I don’t want to hear anyone say, ‘Well, he was pretty good in Mr. Brooks’. NO HE WAS NOT!!!! The movie was fine, but every scene he was in brought the story to a grinding halt. The only good thing about his performance was that we got to see him be brutally murdered. If only that could happen in real life. But, have no fear! Follow these simple instructions and I believe we can put this man to rest forever:
1. Find as many copies of his cd’s and dvd’s as possible and burn them.
2. Protest any movie theater that shows a film starring him (and by ‘protest’, I mean burn the theater to the ground).
3. Beat the shit out of any of your friends who say that he is funny.
4. Send him lots and lots of hate-mail (and by ‘hate-mail’, I mean bombs).
5. Become a stand-up comedian yourself (no matter what you say, you’ll still be funnier than him).
