"Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin), a former soldier during the Civil War, becomes a wandering bounty hunter with a horribly scarred face. After seeing his family killed before his eyes, he is left for dead until healed and resurrected from the afterlife by Native Americans. He acquires the ability to bring the dead back to life with his touch, but only for a limited time and as long as he makes physical contact. Using these powers as well as some high-tech machinery, Jonah Hex finds himself posed to save the weakened United States from the threat that took his family from him so many years ago."
Sounds like a pretty sweet plot, right? Youve got all the pieces there, as well as an awesome Western setting. Unfortunately, this film misses the mark worse than some of the wild shots by the resident cowboys.
Let me tell you about Jonah Hex: its 80 minutes long. Do you know what that is? That is barely a feature-length film. You know what other movie came out this weekend? Toy Story 3, and thats 103 minutes. And thats a kids film. This movie is ridiculously short, and you'll notice.
Jonah Hex is not a western. There is one train robbery, and a few clips of him riding a horse, but theres nothing familiar to the genre. There are no shoot-outs in a small town (especially since Jonah is outfitted with two Gatling guns on his horse) and the scenes that do involve violence and guns are set up more like an action movie than a classic western. I also doubt that there were that many explosions in the Old West, especially considering there are multiple scenes of Jonah riding away from huge fiery infernos. By the second time it happened, I just started laughing because of how ludicrous it seemed. And yes, he makes a habit of it.
The movie tries very hard to make us feel for these characters, and there are quite a few that we meet in the short run time. The problem is that we don't feel truly sympathetic for anyone. All the government officials, from Will Arnetts clich-driven I don't like you but I need you Lieutenant Grass to the oddly bland President Grant (Aidan Quinn), are less than two-dimensional cut-outs; they don't endear us to them or their plight. We wonder why we want to save them from the bad guys.
And oh, those bad guys. There are two specifically that we are asked to note, the first being Quenton Turnbull played malevolently by John Malkovich. I've always been of the opinion that Malkovich is overrated, and this is another film that proves my point. Think Cyrus the Virus from Con Air, but with a cowboy hat. Got it? You're good to go. Besides having a penchant for nation-destroying schemes, he seems to have adopted a hobby of absorbing every bad-guy clich in the book. His bosom body and assistant is the Irish Burke, played by Michael Fassbender, a psychopath with a bowler hat and chin tattoos who, in case we haven't picked up on it, is a violent maniac. In the beginning he channels a bit of Jude Law's character from Road to Perdition, and quickly disintegrates into psychopath. Even though these are not exactly complex villains, or even slightly compelling outside of a Designated bad guy mentality, we enjoy watching them (especially Malkovich) act like complete bastards.
In fact, the only character I felt any sympathy for was Jonah's dead friend and Turnbull's son, Jeb (who I cannot for the life of me find the actors name who plays him), a character faced with a decision to either do the right thing or obey his commanding officer and father, and paid for his wrong choice. He has heart and slight character development despite being dead for several years. We certainly feel more for him than the mumbling Jonah Hex, a character who does good because he feels he has to, but drips with such familiar strains of anti-hero that he seeks his revenge with the same frustration as someone who needs to iron their clothing. Jonah's family is dead; killed in front of him by Turnbull and Lucky the Leprechaun, and don't worry; if you forgot this fact, they'll replay it about three times throughout the movie.
Jonah is not without allies. We are introduced to a black gunsmith known as Smith (played by the amazing Lance Reddick) who talks about how he and his little boys are going to go see the President speak in Washington for the Centennial, and how theyll stand there free like every other man. Then he gives Jonah hand-held crossbows that shoot dynamite, naturally. Also, like any good cowboy, Jonah seeks solace in the arms of a whore. Speaking of which, this is probably my favorite Megan Fox role: as in, I've only seen her in the two Transformers films and here they at least try to give her a little motivation past being hot. Here, the constant sheen of greasy sweat that either naturally seems to seep from her body or is artificially applied appears acceptable due to the environment and cinematography, as opposed to Michael Bay standing off camera misting her with a hose and directing a scene where a robot humps her leg (God I hate you, Bay). Fox's character is obnoxious in that the screenwriter was just begging us to accept her as a world-wise bad ass, usually done through Answering with a Question banter with Jonah.
Jonah: They checked you pretty good didn't they?
Lilah: Wouldn't you?
Jonah: Can you shoot?
Lilah: Can you?
Shut the f*ck up and get kidnapped already.
I applaud the film for its portrayal of its one sex scene, in that it wasn't on camera. We see Jonah lying in bed with Lilah, they talk, she starts kissing, and BAM, fade to black. Sex scenes, like scenes of violence, need to be handled delicately if they are to have meaning, and in most comic book movies, they just feel out of place (looking at you, Daredevil).
While were on the subject of violence, there's plenty of it, but not like you can see most of it. This is probably my biggest issue with the movie; it's dark. And I don't mean in a zOMG they rebooted teh Batmans and its darker and grittier no, I mean, it's visually dark. 90% of the movie takes place at night, and you can't see a damn thing. I found myself more distracted by the dim theatre lights and those little floor lights they put in the aisles then the measly torch-light on screen. God forbid someone's watching this on a home theatre with a lamp on, 'cause the glare would cover the screen enough to make you wonder if Jonah Hex even has a problem with his face.
I can't ignore the fact that the film makes two huge narrative flaws: the first is that, near the beginning and before the credits, we get a flashback narrated by Jonah describing his resurrection by the Crow Indian tribe, done in a stylized comic-book fashion. This is never done again. Also, Jonah has a habit of narrating at odd moments when it doesnt exactly feel right to be narrating, while leaving us blinking in confusion during times that we're not sure what is going on. Like when a crow pops out of his mouth. Big-lipped alligator moment.
The similarities between this film and 2003s Daredevil are striking. Granted, this isnt a story about a blind lawyer in the early 21st Century battling mob bosses, but they are both stories of a lost family, the search for justice despite debilitating handicaps, the sleazy, almost unnecessary love interest who turns from able-bodied fighter to damsel-in-distress, finding the big guy who did your family wrong, and taking down some psychotic Irish henchman. In style as well, this is DCs Daredevil; a film that had so much potential, but instead squandered its rich resources only to fade under the shadow of the predecessors it so desperately tries to emulate.
This film gets 4.5/10 Wild Wild Wests.
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