Now that we have bid 2010 a fond farewell (well, not really so fond, I think everyone is more than happy to see this year bite the dust), it’s time to take a look ahead and see what films we have to look forward to in 2011. As I’ve previously stated, 2010 was a lousy year for cinema. It was the year of 3D crap, lousy remakes, and dopey sequels. And sure, there are a lot more of those coming out in 2011, but it also looks like we’ve got a lot of cool stuff to start foaming at the mouth for. So, here are my most anticipated films of 2011. I’ve also thrown in the films that I think would be best if we all just stayed far away from. Of course, I haven’t seen any of these yet, so this list is nothing more than educated guesses, which is really just a fancy way of me saying: “I’m a movie nerd and here are my pre-conceived opinions”. Enjoy!
Can’t Wait for The Nicholas Cage Power Hour!
Season of the Witch (January 7)
Drive Angry 3D (February 25)
January and February are generally known as the ‘dumping ground’ for Hollywood films that the producers and directors know suck big, fat, hairy balls. The holiday movie season is over and in its place we are faced with this dead zone. So, who better than all-around psychotic funnyman Nicolas Cage to relieve us of our boredom? The first film, Season of the Witch, co-starring Ron Perlman and directed by Dominic Sena, was actually supposed to come out last March but got pushed back because… well… it’s probably a pile of trash. I say who cares? It’s got Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman playing knights whose mission is to escort an evil witch to her execution. The witch will try to tempt them and cause no end of trouble for the knights, which is a guarantee that Cage will be screaming his head off for half the movie. And there are few things I like watching more than seeing Nicolas Cage go bat-shit crazy.
And speaking of crazy, Cage will go nuts again in Patrick Lussier’s Drive Angry 3D. Lussier’s last film, My Bloody Valentine 3D, was certainly no masterpiece, but you had to at least appreciate its simplicity. Lussier was not trying to change the face of cinema with his 3D vision (take that James Cameron!), instead he seemed to simply be saying: “Look, my movie sucks, but I got a ton of weapons and titties to throw directly in your face for about an hour and a half.” So, my guess is that with Drive Angry 3D, which tells the story of a biker (Cage) who escapes from Hell to save his daughter and is chased by demons, gangs, and Hell’s chief agent, The Accountant (William Fichtner), Lussier will simply throw car after car in our faces. Oh, and of course some titties. Plus, we’ve got that wonderfully sexy lesbian, Amber Heard, as Cage’s sidekick. All early reviews of the film that I have read say it’s a blast and that William Fichtner steals the movie. Apparently The Accountant is not really even after Cage; he just wants to follow him on his quest and collect every bad soul that Cage murders to add to Hell’s roster. This sounds a hell of a lot more entertaining than Ghost Rider. And I already want a spin-off film about The Accountant.
Avoid Like the Plague!
The Rite (January 28)
Have you ever noticed how all exorcism films are exactly the same? The Devil or one of his minions possesses a young girl, a dubious young priest is called in, has his faith challenged by an older, wiser priest, they perform an exorcism, the old priest dies, the young priest faces his demons, wins the day, and Bob’s your uncle. I’m tired of this shit. Why is the Devil only interested in possessing young girls? Wouldn’t he be better off going after a state official or something? And why does the Catholic Church get to have a monopoly on performing exorcisms? I’d like to see the Buddhists give it a shot. It would at least be something different. This film features Anthony Hopkins as the older priest, and I hate to say it folks, but I think it might be time for Mr. Hopkins to retire. He looks so old, tired, and bored with every film he’s in.
Can’t Wait for More Philip K. Dick!
The Adjustment Bureau (March 4)
Even though I must confess that I have never actually read anything by Phillip K. Dick (I got a book of his short stories for Christmas though, so I hope to remedy that soon), I love watching films based on his work. Total Recall, Minority Report, and A Scanner Darkly were all pretty great. Sure, there’s also Paycheck and Screamers, but this latest adaptation looks like its going to fall into the former category. Directed by George Nolfi and starring Matt Damon and Emily Blunt as a senator and a dancer, respectively, who fall in love. Everything seems to be coming up roses until Damon has a run-in with The Adjustment Bureau. They are the people who ‘make things happen’. Shades of Dark City and The Matrix are all over the trailer as we get to see the Bureau stop time and move people around like puppets. The fact that Terrence Stamp and John Slattery play the two lead members of the Bureau only make the film more intriguing.
Don’t Go to Granny’s House.
Red Riding Hood (March 11)
From the director of Twilight comes this retelling of the fairy tale with Amanda Seyfried as the title character and Gary Oldman as the huntsman. Though, Oldman looks a lot more like the Grimace in his strange, purple outfit. This thing looks like a neutered, teeny bopper version of the story. But what else could we expect from the people who made Twilight? There’s clearly some kinda stupid love story going on in the trailer, which just makes me want to gag. And I’m sure Red Riding Hood’s boyfriend turns out to be the fucking wolf. The potential is there for a dark, retelling of the story. I mean, come on, it’s one of the most fucked up fairy tales. But they’re obviously not going for that here. They just want pre-teen girls to have another dipshit love story to get sucked up in that involves supernatural creatures. Yawn.
Can’t Wait for the Return of the British Dynamic Duo!
Paul (March 18)
Ok, so it’s a sci-fi comedy starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who also wrote the screenplay together. The only drawback is that Edgar Wright is not directing. You know what, though? I have faith in the comedy duo. They play a pair of stoner buddies who run into a rude alien named Paul, voiced by Seth Rogen. I doubt it will change the face of comedy, but a whole bunch of great laughs are practically guaranteed. Hell, I’d watch those guys sit on the toilet for two hours.
Can’t Wait for Zack Snyder to Punch Me in the Face!
Sucker Punch (March 25)
I have to admit I'm a bit dubious about this film. The trailer makes it look like it’s a sensory overload and I don’t know if the actors can carry the material. But it’s Zack Snyder and I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Emily Browning stars as a troubled girl sent to mental institution who, along with several other sexy patients, creates an alternate reality that allows them to break free of the evil place. Many of the visuals look stunning and Snyder claims that he is not going to allow the film to be converted to 3D. You gotta give the man points for that. This may turn out to be overblown madness, but at the very least, there will be some pretty things to look at.
Can’t Wait for the Return of Ghostface!
Scream 4 (April 15)
I love the Scream franchise and am stoked to see what Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson do with the fourth installment. Craven is one of my favorite directors and I hope this is a return to success for the old guy. Neve Campell, David Arquette, and Courtney Cox are all returning and the trailer looks very promising. Plot details are sketchy at best, but it seems to be about Sydney Prescott returning to Woodsboro after writing a best seller about her experiences fighting off five different serial killers. And, of course, another one turns up. It could be terrible, but this is one film where I’ll buy my tickets for the midnight screening a week in advance. Craven has said that they hope this to be the beginning of another trilogy and if it is, I have some completely unwarranted advice for the filmmakers: Kill off the entire main cast, that’d certainly shake things up. Or make Sydney the killer. How twisted would that be?
Slow the Fuck Down You Reckless Morons!
Fast Five (April 29)
Ugh. When is this fucking franchise going to crash and burn? The fourth film simply ditched the definite articles to separate it from the first, but this one throws everything out the window to make one of the most insipid titles in the history of cinema. There will be mundane car chases, macho dialogue, and scantily clad ladies. With all that, this series should be a lot more fun, but it’s far too self important and ludicrous. Oh, and The Rock has been added to the cast as a cop chasing down Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. Who the fuck cares?
Can’t Wait for Kenneth Branagh to Bring out the Hammer of the Gods!
Thor (May 6)
Summer kicks off with Kenneth Branagh taking on Marvel’s Thor. The trailer left me a bit underwhelmed and Anthony Hopkins looks absurd and bored as hell, but I’m willing to have faith in Branagh. Chris Hemsworth looks good in the title role and Natalie Portman is always good eye candy. This material is perfect for Branagh and if he really was given creative freedom, then we are surely going to be in for a treat. Also, if it’s great, it’ll really get me excited for The Avengers.
Die, Jack Sparrow!
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (May 20)
The first film was a silly, fun, swashbuckling surprise. Parts 2 and 3 were endless, boring, and unnecessarily complex. The charm was completely gone and Jack Sparrow went from being a hilarious breath of fresh air to an overused, annoying imbecile. He works better as a supporting character than he does as a lead. The fourth film finds him taking on Blackbeard (Ian McShane and ok, that’s pretty cool) as they compete to find the fountain of youth. There will also be mermaids and zombies. This is just too much. Pirates are plenty to make an entertaining action adventure; you don’t need all the excess supernatural stuff that then has to be explained by unintelligible characters. This time, rather than Calypso, I’m sure they’ll have Penelope Cruz explain all the plot points and we’ll just sit there scratching our heads like we did in 2 and 3. They’ve promised to shoot parts 5 and 6 back to back if this film is a success. Please no.
Can’t Wait for X-Men to Kick-Ass!
X-Men: First Class (June 3)
X-Men 3 was horrendous and Wolverine was worse. So, why am I excited about this, which will be the fifth X-Men film? Two words: Matthew Vaughn. Vaughn is the British director who gave us the wonderfully entertaining, subversive Kick-Ass. So, I’m sure he’ll find a way to make the X-Men interesting again. There’s no trailer for this yet, but the cast is Top-Notch. Michael Sheen will play a young Professor X and Michael Fassbender will play a young Magneto. And then we’ve got Kevin Bacon to shake things up as the leader of the Hellfire Club. If this is good, it has the potential to be the best film in the X-Men series.
Somebody Shoot that Ring off His Finger!
Green Lantern (June 17)
I’m a bit biased on this one because I think Green Lantern is a terrible, ridiculous character to begin with. I’ve never been able to be a fan of a guy who gets all his power from a magical ring that can do anything but is never used to its fullest potential. Still, I dig superhero flicks (what nerd doesn’t?), so I was hoping that this would be half way decent. After all, I hated Iron Man as a character until the first movie came out. Then I saw the trailer for this and wanted to pull my hair out of my head. First of all, fuck Ryan Reynolds. That smug, obnoxious son of a bitch is the most annoying actor I have ever encountered. In every film, he mugs to the camera begging for audience approval. Always trying to be so funny, saying everything in that same snarky way; he so desperately wants to be hailed as an all around funny man it's pathetic. He delivers every punch line he has like he’s in a 1920’s burlesque comedy sketch. You can see the joke coming a mile away. Again, I’d still be okay with the movie if it didn’t look like a mundane retread of every other superhero film that has come out in the past 30 years. And that CGI suit? Laughable.
I Just Don’t Know.
Cars 2 (June 24)
I love Pixar. Who doesn’t? So, I wish I was as ridiculously excited for this film as I was for every other Pixar film, but there seems to be something missing here. And I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. I disagree with people who say that Cars is Pixar’s weakest film. I’d give that title to A Bug’s Life. Cars was a charming, funny, weird adventure. It made me cry the first time I saw it. But does it really need a sequel? I’m not sure. In fact, from the look of the trailer I wonder if Pixar took the idea for an Incredibles sequel and morphed it into Cars 2. The idea of Lightning McQueen and Mater being mistaken for spies is funny, but feels more like a straight to video idea. I’m not going to say that it looks like shit, but I’m more worried for this Pixar film than I ever have been before. If they’re going to break their decade long winning streak, this film is going to be the cause.
I’m Fucking Done.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (July 15)
No, No, No. I already wrote about how much the first half disappointed me, so no, I’m not looking forward to the second half. I’m not going to waste anymore time talking about this one except to say that it’s going to be in 3D. And if that isn’t a sign that this film is going to suck, then I don’t know what is.
Looking Forward to Meeting the First Avenger!
Captain America (July 22)
Six months ago, I would have said to avoid this film. But everything I’ve seen of the film (the production photos, the casting decisions) has been spot on. I’m actually more excited for this than I am for Thor. I love the fact that they’re starting the story where it belongs, in World War II, and I love Hugo Weaving as Red Skull. That’s just genius. And I know a lot of people disagree, but I like Chris Evans. He’s what Ryan Reynolds wants to be.
Cannot Fucking Wait for Daniel Craig to Take on Aliens!
Cowboys and Aliens (July 29)
This just looks fucking amazing. The fact that this concept has never been explored before is baffling to me. Cowboy movies and Alien movies are pretty much one and the same, so it makes perfect sense to mash them together. And this does not look like a jokey western like Wild, Wild West or Jonah Hex. Watch the trailer and you’ll see what I mean. It looks like it would be a great western even without the aliens. It’s also a wise decision on Jon Favreau’s part to not show any of the aliens in the trailer. That just makes me even more excited. This has the potential to be the sleeper hit of the year.
Welcome to Remake Hell!
Conan the Barbarian (August 19)
Fright Night (August 19)
I can’t believe two of the most ill conceived remake ideas are going to grace the silver screen on the same fucking day. Conan, starring Jason Momoa and directed by Marcus Nispel will probably be the bloodiest and most distasteful film of the year. Momoa is no Schwarzenegger and Nispel couldn’t direct his way out of a traffic jam. His two previous credits are The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and the Friday the 13th remake. Need I say more?
Then we get the remake of Fright Night, one of the best horror films from the 1980’s, that replaces Chris Sarandon with Colin Farell and Roddy Mcdowall with David Tenant. What? Horror remakes are so rarely good and with this being released at the end of the summer season (another dumping ground), I’m sure we’re going to be in for a great big stinking turd.
Welcome to Sequel Hell!
Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (August 19)
5nal Destination (August 26)
Spy_Kids_4_3.jpg)
Robert Rodriguez, what the hell are you doing? And how in god’s name did you even pitch this project? Did you say, “Well, the kids from the original films are grown up so let’s get Jessica Alba to be the step-mother spy of a new group of kids and she can get help from the old ones.” I’m not even kidding. That’s what the film is actually about. Wow.
The fifth film in the Final Destination series manages to beat Fast Five for the award of worst title ever. ‘Nuff said.
Can’t Wait for More Nicolas Winding Refn Madness!
Drive (September 16)
Not much is known yet about this film other than that its’ about a Hollywood stunt driver (Ryan Gosling) who moonlights as a wheelman for a gang of thieves. After a heist goes wrong, a contract is put out on his life. It sounds like a traditional action thriller, but with Nicolas Winding Refn directing, I’m sure it’ll be anything but. Refn is the Danish madman who gave us Bronson and Valhalla Rising. Bronson was the most insane biopic I have ever seen and although I haven’t seen his Viking movie, Valhalla Rising, Carlito assures me that’s it’s a mind fuck. So, I cannot wait to see what he will do with his most commercial project yet. Oh, and did I mention it co-stars Breaking Bad lead Bryan Cranston? I’ll be there opening day.
What the Fuck?
Real Steel (October 7)
This film, from Night at the Museum director Shawn Levy and starring Hugh Jackman, has about the most insane plot I have ever heard. In the future, boxing has been outlawed… for some reason and human boxers have been replaced by… robots. Hugh Jackman plays a former boxer who now acts as a robot… boxing manager… I guess. I hate to dismiss a film solely because I don’t like the plot, but Rocky meets Transformers is a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid idea.
Watch Out for the Door! And the Pool Cleaner!
Paranormal Activity 3 (October 21)
So, I guess with Saw officially done, we’ll be getting a new Paranormal Activity film every year until another lucrative horror franchise turns up. Please folks, don’t go. You know what it’s going to be. There will be about 80 minutes of mind numbing boredom and 10 minutes of cheap jump-out-of-your-seat scares. Just go to a theme park, it has the same effect.
Can’t Wait for a Real Clash of the Titans!
Immortals (November 11)
Tarsem Singh is one of the most visually arresting directors working right now and from what I understand, this has been his passion project for years. Say what you want about his previous work, The Cell and The Fall, but you cannot deny that they contain some of the most striking and beautiful visual effects ever put on screen. Immortals stars Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion, who declares war on all of humanity. He’s after a MacGuffin that will allow him to unleash the long dormant Titans. It’s up to a rag tag group of heroes, including Theseus, to stop him. All the Greek gods seem to be accounted for and this sounds like it’s basically God of War the movie. Wonderful! Especially after Clash of the Titans promised so much and delivered so little. I think this is the Gods vs. Humans film we’ve been waiting for.
And Last But Not Least
Can’t Wait to See What Martin Scorsese Does With 3D!
Hugo Cabret (December 9)
I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I am no big fan of 3D, but if there’s any director to get me excited about 3D, it’s Martin Scorsese. Based on a work of historical fiction by Brian Selznick, the film tells the story of an orphaned young boy who survives by hiding out in a Paris train station. He meets some strange characters, including a young girl (Chloe Moretz) and an old man (Ben Kingsley) who runs a broken down toy shop. Reality and fantasy collide as the boy tries to keep his secret life hidden. It's different material for Scorsese, but the man has been on a great streak recently and I’m not going to be the one to bet against him. A lot of details about the project are being kept under wraps but I’m getting the feeling this could very well be the best film of the year.
And that’s it! Here’s to looking ahead and hoping that 2011 will be a better year for cinema than 2010.
